In my work with the Summit Coach Training, I teach several times a year. Most of our coaches-in-training are people with experience in the helping professions—clergy, therapists, social workers. In a recent class made up of pastoral leaders, an idea emerged that I found invaluable.
First, some background. In coaching, we teach that people are smart. Our clients know more about their problems than the coach does. They are unique individuals with various gifts, talents, and experiences that they can draw upon. They can make decisions and pursue their goals. The role of the coach is not to solve the client’s problems, but to help each client ascertain what they want to accomplish, what resources they have to get there, identify barriers and how they might be overcome, and celebrate their achievements.
As we were coaching around challenges that our class members face, we realized that taking a coaching mindset encourages self-differentiation on the part of the coach. This same mindset can help a pastor in dealing with congregants!
If you are not familiar with Bowen’s Family Systems Theory, self-differentiation is
the capacity to maintain a secure sense of self, including personal values and emotions, while remaining emotionally connected to others. It involves distinguishing one’s own thoughts and feelings from those of others, enabling individuals to be authentic, setting boundaries, and responding thoughtfully rather than reactively, especially within close relationships.
A person with high self-differentiation can express opposing opinions without fear of ending the relationship. Instead of reacting in anger to someone’s criticism, a self-differentiated person can stop, identify their own emotional state, and respond calmly. They set clear boundaries that protect their own objectivity and personal values.
This is what a coach does. The coach values the relationship with the client without becoming enmeshed in the client’s challenge. The coach listens uncritically to the client, seeking to understand without being judgmental. The coach articulates and sets clear boundaries, respecting both themselves and their clients.
This is where we perceived the interface between coaching skills and pastoral leadership. The coach cares for those he or she works with. The pastor cares for his or her congregants. Issues that come up in a coaching conversation are those of the client, not the coach, but the coach recognizes their significance. Most problems that come up in the church are not generated by the pastor but by persons or circumstances within the congregation. The coach leads a process that allows the client to take stock and make decisions for themselves. The pastor ultimately wants the church to seek and discern a solution that belongs to and is embraced the members.
The coaching mindset can be very helpful in working with a congregation. A good coach is a good pastor, recognizing the ability of congregants to decide and avoiding the burden of decision-making. Congregations need pastors who are self-differentiating; pastors need the space that self-differentiation provides. Applying coaching skills can be healthy for both church and pastor!
There is wisdom in the proverb: "When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves'". That works both in coaching and in pastoral leadership.
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