“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” --Ephesians 4:2, NIV
It happened decades ago, but I still remember the incident. Another student and I were enrolled in a graduate program at a seminary. We were enjoying the program, but we had some similar questions to ask the director of the program. We set up an appointment and showed up promptly. We asked our questions in an open, friendly, concise manner. What I remember most about the conversation was the program director spent most of the time avoiding eye contact, browsing through papers on his desk, and grudgingly offering some clarity about our inquiries.
How often do you find yourself in those types of conversations? You want to share something with another person, and they spend their time looking at their phone or changing the subject. How’s does that make you feel? And to be honest, have you ever shown the same type of response to someone else?
Dr. Shelly Gable and others have done research on how we engage in conversations. Her work on active constructive relationships seeks to answer two questions:
- “Will you be there for the person when things go right?”
- “Will you be there for the person when things go wrong?”
Gable suggests four possible responses.
First, the conversation killer. The person you are attempting to engage is distracted or their responses are random and understated. They communicate that they are busy, it’s a bad time, or a complete lack of interest.
Second, the conversation hijacker. Their response is all about them. They take this as an opportunity to deal with their own priorities. If you are sharing good news, what they say may reflect envy or an attempt to “rain on your parade.”
Third, the joy thief. This person takes on a critical or analytical mode and immediately starts raising obstacles. They may even believe that they are being your protector or saving you from a catastrophe.
Fourth, the joy multiplier. This person lets you talk and provides their full attention. If they have their phone in hand, they put it away! They patiently listen and show their attention by their body language. If a critical thought comes to mind, they put it away for later. Their questions are supportive, non-directive, and positive.
The key idea for a joy multiplier is that you lend yourself to another person for a little while. You show that the other person matters to you.
We can’t do much about those who respond to us as “joy killers,” but we can practice being “joy multipliers”. Think about this:
- What prevents you from being a joy multiplier more often?
- What can help you to be a joy multiplier?
- How would be a joy multiplier feel to you?
The greatest gift we can give to others is listen, respect, and care. In so doing, we share in the joy of others.
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