Recognizing Differences in Coaching

A friend got very upset with me once when I said, “I don’t treat all of my children the same way.” He thought this was very unfair, but I tried to explain that my desire was to relate to them in a way that was appropriate to them as individuals. I am sure that I did not always succeed, but I realized that each of them was unique--the needs of one were very different from the needs of another. I loved, and still love, all of them but the important thing was that I attempted to provide what I thought each one needed.

So here is my secret: I don’t coach all of my coaching clients in the same way! Why? Because they are individuals with different needs, experiences, and capacities. Each person has their own particular way of processing experiences, learning, and acting. If I fail to take that into account, our coaching relationship will not be effective.

For example, one client may know what she wants to work on and comes prepared for the session. She already has some action steps in mind, so we spend time talking about the potential challenges she might encounter, alternatives to consider, and a realistic time frame within which to work. She leaves with a plan in hand.

Another client may come to the session in the midst of a relationship crisis. He has no idea of the best response. We spend a good bit of time unpacking the situation as I ask questions for understanding. Part of those questions may help the client to clarify his role in relationship to that person, his responsibility, and the scope of his impact. We seek to identify the skills that he can apply in this context. Only then can he determine a way forward or a course of action for him.

Then there is the client who comes with a new project she is planning, perhaps a new initiative for her congregation. This is a “blue sky” idea. How is this going to be accomplished? What is her role? Who can help make this happen? What are some possible scenarios for which she should be prepared? After we spend time on these questions, she can define her role and begin to plan to accomplish her dream.

One thing all of these clients have in common is motivation, but the level of awareness in each situation varies. Each is a talented individual, but how those talents will be applied is not yet clear.

Coaching is not a cookie-cutter process but must take into account the individuality of each person, the unique way in which God has put that person together. Therefore, no two coaching sessions are exactly alike since no two clients are exactly alike. It does keep things interesting.

(This post originally appeared here on October 7, 2020. It is reposted in honor of International Coaching Week, May 16-20.)

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