How good a listener are you? Most
of us would say that we are good listeners, but careful reflection on our
listening would probably reveal several things that contradict that assessment.
First, as we listen, we often spend a considerable amount of time
thinking about how we are going to respond to the person we are listening to. We are thinking, “How do I avoid seeming
disinterested? How do I communicate that
I am an active participant?”
Second, although we may hear and understand what the speaker is saying,
we may be trying to find a link to our own life. We are asking ourselves, “Have we experienced
something similar to what the speaker is recounting? Do we know someone that the other person
knows? Do we agree or disagree with the
speaker’s statements?”
Third, we may actually be rather distracted or thinking about how to move
the conversation into an area that we are interested in or know more
about. We think, “What’s in this
conversation for me? What can the other person
share that will further my goals?”
Fourth, we just may not be interested and trying to find a way to
disengage as soon as possible!
In Life Together: The Classic
Exploration of Christian Community, Dietrich
Bonhoeffer discusses the holy obligation to listen to another
person. He wrote:
“There is a kind of listening with
half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It
is an impatient, inattentive listening, that despises the brother and is only
waiting for a chance to speak and thus get rid of the other person. This is no
fulfillment of our obligation, and it is certain that here too our attitude
toward our brother only reflects our relationship to God. It is little wonder
that we are no longer capable of the greatest service of listening that God has
committed to us, that of hearing our brother's confession, if we refuse to give
ear to our brother on lesser subjects. . . . But Christians have forgotten that
the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the
great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears
of God that we may speak the Word of God.”
Listening is a holy task. Those of
us who are life coaches learn very quickly that when we actively listen to the
person we are coaching that we are creating a sacred space for that person to
think out loud, voice the desires of the heart, and contemplate the opportunities
and challenges previously unconsidered.
Perhaps our lack of listening skills
also says something about our ability or inability to hear a word from
God. If I am in a hurry, already have my
mind made up, or am trying to justify myself, I do not have an ear open to hear
what God is saying to me.
We can learn how to listen better,
but it takes not only training but a transformed mindset that is non-judgmental
and caring but empowering as well. In
many ways, this is a spiritual discipline.
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